It is so spiritually pregnant. I remember a certain coinage, "spiritual depression" maybe? It conveys these feelings of yearning, feelings of unquenchable thirst, despair and loneliness that sometimes gets compounded by real life events, breaks ups, joblessness, disappointments. Generally it is a profound inner struggle, as far as my personal understanding of it. I had taken a course in mysticism once, I may have already written about this on the differences between catophatic and apophatic avenues to studying theology. One is by rote of describing God in the positive as in "There. God said thus." And the other, is in the negative, "What it is not. Is not this. Is not that. Neti. Neti." Or also, by reductio ad absurdum... reduction to the absurd. So well. Anagarika. The homeless, wandering spiritual mystic. The saffron spirit hidden within layers of the layman's skin, is in one way catophatic, to me. I could write much more but I am feeling scattered. So I will scatter and do as my feelings wish.

In Sanskrit, nagar is town, or city. Similar to the Greek polis. My father told me that usually anagarikas were thought of as despotic and had taken on a negative connotation, outside of "city" "civilized life." Not at all spiritual or romantic in any way. Hence, his smile. I guess for me, because I had never encountered this word and I read it by its definition, and not cultural meaning, I did not immediately get that the meaning would also indicate those who were uncivilized, uncultured, and outside of society. Being a romantic I took it to mean something beautiful, and filled with grace. What a fine line madness and spirit draw. It is like breaking down the original intended meaning of the word sin. Don't sin! It's a sin! You're damned if you commit that sin! Oh, hell, I have sinned! Sin is such a scary word. What did it originally mean? It meant to not miss the mark. It doesn't seem that complicated. So where do we get so much fear and hatred from when "sin" arises?

For my mother's birthday last week, we took her to a Hindu temple in D.C. (she wanted this), and as the rest of us are pretty much non-practicing, agnostic, or atheist, this was a nice present to my mother. We went on Veteran's Day. I haven't been inside a temple in over ten years. But last Monday, I felt so good to be in there. The smells, the chants, the gods, goddesses, and the delicious food we had at the end. It was really awesome. I think I may just be missing India like something fierce. I don't know. But it was nice that all of us were there together as one unit and not one of us complained or were feeling discontent in any way. I didn't even roll my eyes. Not even once. It was cool, I will take all the blessings this universe has to offer. That is for sure!

I joined a Buddhist sangha last month and have been practicing Vipassana (breathing meditation) every day. To watch your breath, to watch your anger, your desire... I have a long way to go, but who is counting? And what is time. I have always been the comfortable anachronistic. And the visiting monk from D.C. is so easy on the eyes. I know, another crazy crush. But really, it didn't last. As soon as the young monk started his discourse, (this one happened to be on anger), I lost that initial "Oh boy. Hotness. Arg! Stop! Sin!" and really tuned in. I offered my views and thoughts to the group, (it was a discussion group), and during our break, he came to sit by me to talk. Ah, so nice. We shared stories from the Jataka tales, and I shared my favorite story of Angulimala, which was also one of his. I had a really wonderful time. It is very rare for me to feel comfortable in kumbaya like settings where there is the potential for people to hold hands and sycophantsize each other; group hug situations nauseate me. It is too contrived. In any case, I am happy that I found this meeting and group of really cool people and of course my new found monk friend.

There was a bookstore we went to later that day in D.C. It was an Indian bookstore. It was awesome. I thought I would finally find books, and not comics books on my favorite hero from the Mahabharata and from Buddha's tales of Angulimala. But sadly, I did not. The only books they had on anything close to what I was looking for were the three volumed Jataka Tales, which I bought. But as far as a book just on Abhimanyu, no such luck. There were several books on the "Heroes of the Mahabharata" but Ahbimanyu was not included! What were the authors thinking?! He was the greatest hero, ever. I can't ever finish reading about him with my eyes dry. Ever. If you haven't read his story, please do. The comic edition is awesome, by itself. I suppose I will look some more, another time.

I did, however purchase other books. I can never leave a book store empty handed. I bought a Sakuntala reader, Asoka, and Gora. I am looking forward to starting all of these goodies next year, for now, I have way too much in the way of work and school... Sigh. I also have attempted but not finished the Kite Runner- anyone read this already? I am an unabashed bibliophile.

Myspace and facebook are trippy. I got an account there awhile ago and I know many of you hate the places, but whatever, it is what it is. Last year, I reconnected with a crap load of people from my past that I was so happy to see and hear from. I had been a hermit for so long, (read: I had friends from work that really had no clue who I was, and all I did was hang out with work peeps- I was majorly alone), due to a major relationship toxicity, (read: k5 diaries), and out of these two major events, I just holed up and shut out the world I was in before, the old world where I was madly in love with love, carefree, unsentimental, and not to mention extremely social. From all of the knocks that came over these past years, I felt badly beaten, sad, and estranged from my former self. I think I wrote about feeling suspended quiet often. And now, well, when I feel down and hermit like, my friends don't allow me to disappear for too long. I have the best friends back in my life. I don't feel so suspended. I feel more centered than ever. I guess my suffering has long served its purpose. Ah, so, in everything purpose. Buddha, though, would say, it would be better to lead a life filled with purposelessness. Or neither this, neither that. I wonder what any of this means. The world is interesting. As down, sad, and depressed with it all as I may feel sometimes, inside, I am learning to accept it, and with all of the lessons I have learned and continue to learn, I am going to make the rockinest old lady, ever.

My ex called me out of the blue today. That was surprising. It was good to talk to him. I guess I missed the attention he always gave to me. I mean, that was a lot. He ate me up like a sponge, and soaked up everything I had to offer. Turned vegetarian, wanted to go to Africa with me, to India, to save the world with me, he dreamed all of my_dreams, and slowly but surely lost who he was in the process. He got scared and ran away. And left me reeling from the blood and pillage of the aftermath, sad, and teary, wondering, with arms thrown up, "What just happened... There's no place like home; there's no place like home; there's no ..." Oh well.

It is clear as day to me, now, why we were not working. Hindsight is twenty twenty and all that. But heck, at least there is that hindsight! Not to mention all those crazy arguments and fights we had. What did he want when he called, I wonder. I asked him if he was dating anyone, (I know, none of my business and all that, but I asked and it was up to him to answer or say no, it's not any of your business). And he chose to answer. He said he is talking to a "nice" girl that works for his company. Good for him. And then he asks me if I have listened to the new Alicia Keys album. That was random. I don't really listen to Alicia Keys. So I say no, why? He said her new song is about crazy love, and that he really felt that same way and could relate to the song completely... wreckless love (I still can't picture him listening to Alicia Keys). I teased him and pretended I thought he was talking about his new girl. I said, "That's nice. It's nice to have found that kind of intense rocking relationship with her. Cool. I'm happy for you." And then he very quietly said, "No. That was what it was like in the relationship I just had. Now, everything else after that just seems so bland." I said, "Oh. You meant the relationship you just had with me?" Duh.

I owe my best friend fifty dollars for a bet that I lost.

I checked out the song by Alicia Keys he mentioned earlier today. I have to keep telling myself that we have broken up and not to place any weight on any of his words to me- as flattering as they may- still, only flattery and nothing else. He's already dating someone else, a person that is "geeky, sweet, but bland." I wonder if he tells her how bland she is to him. I wonder if she knows he is using her to fill a void left behind. I wonder if she knows she is rebound girl. I feel sorry for her. And I feel angry that I have been replaced so quickly. He's a jerk. In any case, how he feels about me or anyone else is none of my business, as much as I'd like to think that it is. I have to move on myself. Ah. I guess we gals take longer than the guys, eh?

Maybe we are in some ways addicted to attentions from the outside, so when that's gone, we are left adrift and empty. I am glad I am practicing my yoga and my Vippassana. I am glad I have the friends that I have. I am glad for my family. I am glad for you. And with all of this I have to first and foremost attend to my self. I need to feed myself all the loving I need. Next time I fall in love, it will be different. Ahahaha! Everything is going to turn out all right and all I want is to find someone to love me like I love. Fingers crossed.

And the word, anagarika, pregnant, once more. It means a person without a "home." And if home is where the heart is, then in heartbreak, when we wander without love, (heart's sangha), we aim and seek in the same ways as a postulant, is it not? It makes sense. Why I found this when I found this word?! I wish one day I was smart enough to study at the Sorbonne in Paris. I would like to enroll in linguistics and etymology. That is a rich fantasy of mine. When I grow up, it will happen.

I am headed south for the US thanksgiving holidays tomorrow and all next week. Beaches! Sun! Mojitos! Happy Thanksgiving everybody! Love and Peace.